Now, I will be the first person to admit that I’ve done my share of sleeping around and as a result of it, I’ve learned that the key word in ‘one-night stand’ is NIGHT. I hate the morning after "show" we put on in order to make ourselves feel better and not appear to be a cold-hearted, sex-driven predator. Nothing is more dreadful to me than waking up and realizing that they are still there in my bed and now my piece of ass has become a pain in my ass. I have come to believe most men can easily be categorized in one of 10 morning-after personalities:

1. The Straggler – This is the guy who takes forever getting ready to leave. Whether it be his 5-minute-long morning-woody pee or his inability to gather up all his belongings and get up out of there, the straggler will stay until forcibly removed.

2. The Talker - This is the guy who will talk as a means to extend his stay. He either talks because of he is nervous or extremely desperate for friends. Either way, that voice will resonate like thunder in your aching head and you will want to stab him in the throat with a pencil just to make him shut the hell up. Seriously.

3. The Beggar - This is the guy who mistakes you for a Waffle House line cook and expects breakfast. Give this one a Yahoo Map to the nearest McDonalds and get him the hell out of there before he demands you do his laundry too.

4. The Co-Dependent – This is the guy who mistakes a night of throwing down in the sack as the beginning of a new relationship. This is definitely not the way to meet your future ex-husband, but rest assured, you’ve just met your new stalker.

5. The Liar - This is the guy who just happened to forget one tiny little detail - that he’s married or in a long-term relationship or that he still lives with his mother. No need to give this one a fake number, he won’t be calling for sure.

6. The Jerk - This is the guy who wakes up as Mr. Hyde. Even Ted Bundy made good first impressions, so don’t beat yourself up over this bad judgment call. Make sure you tell him how bad he is in bed as you slam the door shut behind him.

7. The Sleeper Creeper - You cannot wake up this one. He sleeps like he is in a coma and no matter how loud you drop things, yawn, yell at your dog, anything to make it seem like you are not trying to be loud, you cannot accidentally rouse him. You must figure out a way to wake him despite it being awkward or he will be there until noon and you will be a prisoner of this sleeping beauty’s R.E.M. cycles.

8. The Stud - Here is a man who is insatiable. He’s still drunk, you’re still drunk, he’s still horny, you’re still horny. Better call off work that day because this one-night stand may be more like a one-night-morning-and-afternoon stand.

9. The Elephant Man - WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? Tequila! Helping women lower their standards for years! Do whatever you have to do to get this one out, sight unseen and don’t feel bad, you just made his century!

10. The Gentleman - this is the guy who awakes before you, cleans up the beer cans and does the dishes without trying to disrupt your sleep. If you really lucky, he also politely shows himself to the door and locks it behind him- my personal favorite!

Please remember the key to a sucessfull one-night stand, is to keep confined to ONE NIGHT! This list was not based upon real people or events (yeah, right). No animals were injured in the making of this post.