There are those who are entertaining and those who want to be entertained. Sometimes I entertain myself because I am such a dork at times, and I make myself laugh over shit that other people don't find funny. For instance, we just adopted this dog from the pound. The Pound-Puppy Prick (the local dog warden whom I suspect secretely hates dogs and loves giving them the needle) warmingly named this adorable pooch, #55. So I take #55 for a test drive and instantly fall in love with this big-earred, son-of-a-bitch and decide, despite my hatred of dog shit, that I would try to be a good "mommy" to this little muttly.

On the drive home, we stop by PetsMart to pick up some new puppy essentials, including a dog tag with his name and our address on it. I am a sick-minded fuck, so I instantly veto all the names suggested by the people in my possee at the pet store.. SPARKY? NO!! SPOT? NO!! SPAZZ? SPUDS?? JACKSON?? NO! NO! NO!! Too common and stupid for me. I have to have something UNIQUE.... and in my quest for unique, I nearly piss myself laughing at my crazy-ass ideas. At first I wanted to name him Sperm the Big Worm, but my favorite idea was -=PENIS=-. Some folks say I got a penis fetish, I love cacti and have phallic symbols all over my house. I collect plastic penis gag gifts. Never met a penis I didnt love or want to touch. But this was perfect, because naming my dog would force people to have to say the word PENIS.

How funny would it be to hear my grandma call out for PENIS~~!! I never heard her say the word before, in fact, had I not personally met her children, I would have argued that she never had any penis before. The woman is asexual, I swear!

Please picture telling this woman your dog's name is PENIS and IMAGINE WITH ME her mortified reaction to me introducing her to my dog "PENIS". This had me nearly hyperventilating in laughter. My neighbors would hear me holler "PENIS!! COME HERE BOY!! COME TO MOMMA, PENIS!!" and they would think I was calling my boyfriend into the house instead. They would think i was PENIS CRAZED!

What kind of sick demented fuck, would name their dog "Penis"? I howled at the thought of my boyfriend's 2-year-old, going home to talk about how he spent the day with his daddy and Penis. HA! That boys mom would shit McChicken Nuggets right out of her fat, McDonald's -eating- ass! And if my dog, who is part Italian Greyhound and has the instinct to run like the wind, were to run off and be picked up by that cocksucking excuse of a Dog Warden, I would delight in the words coming out of his half-a-fag mouth...{ring, ring} HELLO? " Yes, This is the Stark County Dog Warden. We wanted to let you know we have "Penis" over here" and my response would gleefully be, "You wish you did"!!

Don't call me PENIS!